Why Taking a Chance and Failing is Success

Three years ago I did the very thing that is romantically heralded as the perfect way to kick life back in the ass.

I took ownership of my misery and decided to take the plunge and pursue a career as a full time writer.

My impending mortality may have had something to do with it.

Turning forty was and is the craziest thing to ever happen to me. You just never imagine that the day would come when you will be forced to out yourself as an almost middle-aged woman.

But even more disturbing is the onset of a crisis that erupts at the behest of plaguing insecurities — as you realize that you’ve spent more than half your life immersed in the shit that others fed you.

Now the time has come to eat or choke on your own shit.

That time arrived after a disastrous job at one of New York’s most prized non-profit institutions — left me emotionally incapacitated and physically withered.

Even the beefed up salary of $85K a year wasn’t nearly enough to manage my affairs or inspire mental durability.

I had to leave the city of my discontent and seek greener pastures while planting the pursuits that I desperately needed for my life’s breath.

I returned to Los Angeles. The refuge of my dormant fantasies and sky high endorsements.

There was a period of euphoria that accompanied my decision to abandon the need to responsibly curate my lifestyle.

I was finally free of the burden of working a blood-sucking corporate job in order to keep up with my bills and rent.

I always loathed the idea of being a full fledged adult — mired in debt and walking around jobless and lost. That would be a pathetic disposition. That would never be me!

It is now.

The reasons why are subjective and objective and all the muddled stuff in between.

What I have to resoundingly convey is the fact that what I willingly committed to — was essentially a long shot.

But worth every struggle and the bucket of tears that are still filling up at a rapid pace.

If I had any idea that I would be holed up in the bedroom of a friend of a friend — without a job — appreciatively reliant on unemployment benefits — and committed to the comfort of buzz balls to rock me to sleep every night — I probably would still be stuck at my desk making hotel reservations for twenty-year-old associates.

No, in my mind — I had this in the bag.

I also relentlessly envisioned my victory.

It hasn’t and it didn’t.

And yet. I feel infinitely blessed and validated. I am absolutely convinced that I am a success.

I did it.

I was lucky to have and still have an amazingly loyal network of loyalists that champion me along even when it’s obvious that I’m losing at this game.

It couldn’t have began or ended any other way. But is it over?

Nope.

Because I can.

Because I am a success.

Juggling Wordsmith. I have a lot to say! https://medium.com/membership https://www.patreon.com/Ezziegirl