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When There Are No Words

Dig deep?

Ezinne Ukoha
5 min readMar 4, 2022

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I have no words to describe my present state of mind. This doesn’t have to be a bad thing. I have spent almost a decade on this very platform sharing my deepest thoughts and heartfelt assessment about the stuff that affects us as vulnerable humans, trying to find our place in this world.

The other day, I tried to narrow down the number of Medium essays I’ve racked up thus far, since 2013, and it was stunning to find that I have amassed over 5,000 pieces and counting. That sounds amazing, but does it mean anything?

I mean fuck! I could’ve written two bestselling books by now. But, no, that wouldn’t happen because to be a bestselling author and be duly recognized by the likes of The New York Times and The New Yorker, you have to be armed with the adoration of thousands if not millions of followers validating your worth.

You must have numerical evidence of the unyielding support from loyal strangers to acquire the ordained blue check and the full attention of prominent publishers that specifically seek out non-writers who are factory-made to produce nothing distinguishable outside of tone-deaf memoirs.

How do natural-born storytellers become the best at what they do?

Writing my first set of poems at the age of 10 was my initiation into a sacred religion that continues to torture and shock me at every turn. Relying on my ability to find the appropriate words to express my swinging mood has been my lifesaver, which is why this sudden loss is earth-shattering.

The stark darkness is a shroud over the aching vision that’s blurry with exhaustive tears pouring down without pain. You can’t feel anything when you’ve spent all your life being too sensitive to the energy thrown your way.

At what point do you realize that nothing matters and that none of it made a difference?

Is it at the beginning, middle, or end?

I can’t speak for anybody else, but I know I didn’t choose this.

We find ourselves here, and suddenly we have to perform accordingly. It used to be a subtle dance through the mysterious maze leading to…

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