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Photo: Digital Spy

The Trailer for the Baywatch Movie is So 1992

How the hell did this ever get made?

You’ve seen the much-hyped trailer for the Baywatch — the Summer 2017 movie extravaganza that boasts a cast that studio execs dream of when they imagine the quaint cottage, perched on the Amalfi Coast — waiting for dollar signs to turn on the lights.

I am not too old to enjoy the parade of sweaty flesh stuffed into sparse coverings that are threaded to give audiences the pleasures that never quite amount to the justification of a cinematic experience — but the American in us always wins that battle.

I remember watching episodes of Baywatch back in the day. David Hasselhoff and his crew of able-bodied henchmen — built for calendar work but ordered to keep the beaches in a California enclave free from chaos. They are open to the mayhem that alight whenever visitors get a whiff of the waves and the sunlight that toll the sand and tide at bay — so the lifeguards can stand pretty while they guard with boobs wide open and chests heaving with desire.

So sexy and yet so necessary.

It was cute back then and even somewhat entertaining despite spotty special effects and the generic offerings — including the parched soundtrack courtesy of die-hard musician Hasselhoff who is apparently huge in Germany, but sadly missed the cross-over train in the country of his birth.

The nineties were a time when the soap genre peeked beyond comprehension. The daytime fare killed and resurrected characters with incessant incoherence. The nighttime roster didn’t go that far but the shows weren’t that far behind in their need to over-exaggerate the elements that keep us glued even when we know how disorganized it all seems.

Still, we embraced the era that drowned us in a pool of sentimental fodder and storylines that were most likely connived on a beach under an umbrella with mojitos splashing the pages and a beeper that wouldn’t stay quiet.

Remakes are the shit.

How could we ever survive without the possibilities that arise when you can go back to the catalog of hits and hit Play.

Originality in Hollywood is very much alive but unfortunately the ones in power don’t subscribe to that way of thinking. It has to be all about the names. Who is the star? Which legion of female talent will help propel this star by strutting beside him or matching his pace when he evades the bad guys?

These are usually women who have the power to command the wind to mess up their luxurious hair with every step they take. They have huge breasts and features that guarantee the attention of the editors at Maxim — who are always on standby to rate how well the studios lived up to the hype.

The Baywatch movie circa 2017 stars Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson who has the Fast and Furious franchise to thank for his meteoritic rise into the heavenly gates of epic stardom — and Zac Efron, the dude in all those movies that keep his well-chiseled biceps flossed so that salivating girls don’t get cavities from gaping wide open.

The women are gorgeous of course, but unrecognizable to me. Thankfully they don’t have to rely on my dated instincts for survival. They are going to be just fine dominating a world that was salvageable by the election of a reality TV star turned social media stalker turned president-elect.

Yes, we have the appetite for the unimaginable but the trailer for Baywatch that recently hit the web is sorrowfully uninspiring and blatantly idiotic.

The themes of the popular series from years past remain intact, which is exactly the problem. We seem to be embodying a period that requires our ability to backtrack to the places that bear no resemblance to the progress we supposedly made — and hoped to maintain since moving ahead is key to survival.

The nineties were sufficient enough but they ended for reasons that are both instinctually purposeful. Baywatch died out for the sake of sanity and the need to configure better programming that refuses to be regulated by skin-tight regalia and characters that are begging to be fucked with so they can rely on steady paychecks and nicely placed butt cheeks.

It’s 2016 and we are regressing with pride and prejudice.

Hollywood is a screwed up machine that won’t stay out of its own way. There are hundreds of scripts that contain the kind of shit that would blow your mind in an instant — but the writers are not embedded in the code of Tinseltown and the proposed lead won’t ever lobby to star in the remake of The Mummy.

So, we are stuck with laughable remakes that arrive as if the second coming was rescheduled for their benefit. The hype is real and the media clings to the obvious reasons why we should all be amazed that we are once again being treated to a blast from the past — that is now present even though it should have stayed in the vault of the lost and sandy.

If you peep the trailer and stomach it till the end — catch “The Rock” reciting Zac Efron’s lines around the 1:16 mark. It’s a real treat!

How the hell did this movie ever get made? Oh! Yeah. It’s Hollywood.

Juggling Wordsmith. I have a lot to say!

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