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No, Having a Space Between my Two Front Teeth Doesn’t Mean I’m a Freak in Bed

When I was a little girl, I never gave much thought to the prominent gap between my two front teeth. But, then again — I grew up during a time when selfies meant standing in front of a mirror and mentally photocopying the memory of your image. I’m pretty certain the lack of a high-precision camera x-raying my every move allowed me to enter adulthood relatively unscathed.

That being said, I was rather vain during my teenage years, which isn’t an uncommon attribute. The mirror in my parents’ bedroom situated against the backdrop of pure natural light, gave me permission to indulge myself and never did my confidence waiver when my imperfect set of teeth came into view.

I basically inherited most of all the quirky features from my mother’s side of the family. First the gap-toothed smile and then later — the annoyingly early onset of silver strands that have since overtaken my once divinely jet black hair — but more about it that later. Right now, I am inclined to focus my attention on disputing the ridiculous claims that are consistently and foolishly applied to women who are blessed with the gap-toothed smile.

Yes, I enjoy sex and crave it just as much as any attractive woman with a healthy libido would and to be rather blunt, I do enjoy giving blowjobs even more than the required payback. I guess seeing him squirm with pleasure at my command turns me on and encourages my need to exert my power even more which drives him to the ends of the universe. I enjoy watching men fall prey to my perfectly executed routine.

What I can’t tolerate is the assumption that because I have a gap between my teeth, I am automatically down for any level of sexual content. The freakier the better because women like me are always down for that. We are known to be accommodatingly explorative both under and above the sheets — so feel free to present the vilest request you can muster because I was born ready.

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Wrong! Yes, it has come to my attention that I am very good company — Madonna, and even Michael Strahan are both bequeathed with this very besotted asset. I am not up to speed when it comes to Strahan’s sexual prowess, but we can all agree that Madonna’s track record is quite extensive in that realm.

I mean she released an album titled Erotica for God sake. Maybe I should blame her for the level of shit that I have to tread through because of a smile that for most translates to “lets fuck” — even though I’m just a well-behaved lady who is trying to decide whether I like you or not.

Photo Courtesy of: Stan Honda/AFP/Getty Images

And for those who remark that my gap is a sign of beauty — that is also utter bullshit, contrived as a way to assign a worthy component to the most random accessory. In my case, maybe not so much — because, again, it runs in the family and blood is truly thicker than water when it comes to genetics. Ironically enough mostly women give this this type of feedback.

But back to the men. Please stop harassing me with your eyes — bloated with expectation of what is to come. I am quite sure that I can make you come if I wanted to but most of the time — I really don’t.

My gap doesn’t warrant my need to fuck everything that literally moves and has noise coming out of it. I can be a freak when the inspiration for it overtakes me — but that’s stimulated by my attachment to the recipient and has absolutely nothing to do with the space between my two front teeth.

I don’t want to be forced mid-way to perform acts that don’t match my present temperament just because you are curious and eager to report back to your equally curious posse. You also don’t have to work a lot harder than usual to prove that you can keep up with a freak like me.

Crazily furious sex is a welcomed activity and change of pace when the times call for it but I am not down for that all the time. My sex drive and principles of pleasure aren’t reliant on a feature that I didn’t ask for or even want. It was given to me without permission and I accept it wholeheartedly but I don’t expect it to pre-determine how I will rate during our amicable encounter.

I love having sex but I prefer making love — I am good at both but don’t make the choice for me. This thing between my teeth can work for or against you. If you don’t want the latter than step back, chill and let me blow your mind first.

The rest will follow.

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