But, now that you’re back — I’m not quite sure how I feel. I mean I get it, I was never a huge fan of yours — even though we clearly needed each other. I can’t function without you. And you really don’t have a choice but to be my friend. Not because you love me at all — I can tell your vengeance every time you decide to pay a visit.
You clearly enjoy making me suffer.
So, yeah, when you suddenly vanished without a trace — I was kinda like WTF?! You were already alluding to the fact that you may take off for good — sooner rather than later and I guess I didn’t believe you. Even when you would reduce me to a puddle of sweat at odds times of the day and all though the damn night. I cursed your ass and mocked your tactics because they were quite tacky — not to mention generic.
Sure, of course, the best way to get me to pine for you would be to turn my life upside down — and then leave me hanging until I’m drained. But, your plan initially backfired. I didn’t care that you were torturing me at the worst time of my life. A time when having you around would’ve at least given me the incentive to not completely give up on long-awaited dreams.
I totally get why you prefer to be decked in red.
You are a fiery and complicated disruption that wrecks havoc even when you are absent. You left me almost two years ago. I remember the day I realized that you weren’t coming back. I was reminiscing about what it was like when were you my constant companion. And then I recalled the day we first met. I was so young and hopeful. I thought being a girl was fantastic and I imagined that being a woman would be even better.
A lot of my friends had already been recruited and I was one of the last ones. You took too long to win me over and that’s why we never truly bonded. I tolerated you based on the understanding that our bond would have a greater meaning than just casual accommodation and random arrivals.
But, you had all the power.
I didn’t possess the ability to rip into your disposition at the most inopportune time or riddle you with pangs of discomfort that could challenge the threshold of the most revered sportsman.
I took a lot of shit from you — and when you took an indefinite leave of absence I was more than okay with it. I wasn’t sure how your abrupt departure would factor into my daily existence. I found out very quickly that despite being able to hold my own without you for longer than you might have anticipated — not having you around was costing me dearly.
I always knew deep down inside that the day you would slither away — would be when I would really have to step up my game. I can do this! I can thrive without you and not regulate myself to a pathetic piece of my former self.
Not all dreams come true and if being a human incubator isn’t in the plans — then I can find another way to step up to the plate. There are options. They may not fit into the shape of things but life generally takes a vacation without asking first.
While on mental vacay — I felt you watching me the whole time.
The first year was the hardest. I didn’t believe you. I couldn’t conceive that you would punish me in such a cruel way — especially since you know me the best. You are in charge of the mechanisms that make me tick and yet — you were so willing to craft my perfect ending — without my consent.
The emptiness and the chimes of doom that resonated every month that you purposely stayed away will never escape my memory. When the second year rolled around — I silently waved the white flag in an effort to make peace with our inevitable parting.
I was dead to you and you were non-existent to me. If this is how it ends — then so be it.
I have lived long enough to recognize the signs of a failing relationship that is better off squashed before the pain and bitterness suffocate. In this case, I was the one at risk and I wasn’t successful in evading the worst case scenario. Even, so — I carried on and never tried to persuade you to come back — and trust me, there were times when I was so close to caving into the cravings of feminine wiles — without the heavy cloud of uncertainty that removed the simple joys that rule the laws of attraction.
And, now your’e back — as if nothing at all happened.
You showed up on a Saturday morning and I was stuck in the perplexing bubble of pure elation and utter disgust. I had gotten used to not having you around. It was hard but I survived you. Plus, I didn’t miss all the work I had to funnel into hosting you. And even when I lived up to my end of the bargain — you still made me feel uncomfortable and defeated.
I didn’t miss you. I missed the way you validated me.
Being with you wasn’t easy but I tolerated it because it provided the assurance of who I was and what that means. When you left — you took that part of me that I had relied on without thought and circumstance. I had to relearn myself.
I was almost done and then everything dispersed the moment I recognized your blatant hue against the shield that until then — remained untouched.
My heart ran away from me and the rush of physical semblance took hold. The feeling was back. All the reasons why we need each other overtook the landscape of disbelief. I will never forgive you — and you don’t care.
There are no promises and after all this time of quiet intercession — I don’t care whether you care how much you hurt me.
I will never win this fight — but as long as you continue to flow — we will be alright.