Drake is not Dating Taylor Swift Because When You Go RiRi, You Can’t Rewind

The internet is boiling with the news that Drake and Taylor Swift may be an item.

I woke up feeling groggy from a well-earned hangover and as I tried to brush away the crud from my eyes — there it was.

My chest opened and literally for the first time in weeks — I let out a hearty laugh. It felt good and it was loud, boisterous, and all-consuming.

It was the photo. Have you seen it?!

I have nothing against Swift apart from the fact that I find her to be woefully bland and atrociously All-American.

She brings out the worst in me when I consciously stereotype White women.

I don’t do that often — only when Taylor Swift and her squad prance down the same sidewalks of New York — that rejected me multiple times in order to make room for those who are born for such privileges.

Anyway, back to the fun part.

So Drake is like my crush but it’s weird knowing that he wouldn’t reciprocate that feeling and yet I still believe that he and I will make it someday.

I know his heart will always beat to the thighs of Rihanna and I dig it because I have a crush on her too.

Taylor Swift has apparently never had a problem finding a man. She’s the princess every White guy wants to take to the mall. Oops! I mean ball.

And they do — in droves.

The thing is, in order to fuck with Drake, you gotta be sexy and you have to be built to last. I know this because I have a crush on Drake and I pay attention to the women he has crushes on.

By now, you’re probably wondering why the hell I care enough to write about this. I mean am I literally bipolar or just bored as hell?

I am not sure what I am to be honest. Lately I’ve been hell-bent on spending every waking minute to discover whether or not I am truly who I thought I was.

In the midst of my search came the news bulletin that opened up the pores to erase the crippling doubt that I will never be sure about anything — ever again.

I don’t know if I will make it to 45 — but I am beyond certain that Drake and Ms. Swift are not messing around.

It gives me pleasure to announce that with possessive authority and specks of malice.

Everyone who knows — knows that when you go RiRi — you can’t rewind!

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