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9 Reasons Why Donald Trump Will Be America’s Next President

  1. He’s Donald Trump.
  2. He’s white, sexist and best of all racist: Key ingredients needed to define his presidency and America’s already strategized frontier. This will guarantee at least a twelve year run.
  3. He’s very rich and powerful: This means he has friends in high places who are working undercover to secure his imminent victory. These are highly skilled spies — stationed all around us and beyond. They’re the ones tweeting about how fucked up he is and also how vital he will be. This strategy appears to be working too well.
  4. Poor white people dig him: This is a huge bonus. Do you realize how many of those there are? The Midwest alone is a vast wasteland filled with uneducated white bigots who are most certainly going to give Donald Trump a first class trip to the White House.
  5. Rich black people love him: Yep! There’s an impressive percentage of black Americans who are privileged enough to sell their souls to the devil in order feel that much more “American” — without the “Black” included.
  6. The media created him and now he lives forever: What started out as a game of cat and mouse has evolved into an unrequited love affair. The more the respectable pubs shake their tail feathers in a wooing ritual with The Donald — the more appealing he seems. He has managed to amass a dauntingly high number of fans who are fascinated by his ability to bite off and chew the hands that continue to feed him. This is definitely a warranted trait in a leader. Ruthless and dishonorable.
  7. He’s an American citizen: He was born in this country and he doesn’t need birth certificate to prove it. So since that’s covered — the day of his inauguration should go on without a hitch
  8. America is Hollywood: America loves a good old fashioned heroic tale and as luck would have it we don’t have to pay $20 bucks to watch it unfold. The treatment for the screenplay is killer. Check it out. Our hero is an obnoxious asshole with tons of money that everybody loves to hate. He’s the modern day scrooge. Despite it all, he decides to run for president and the masses can’t stop laughing at the gall of this guy who actually believes he has a shot just because he’s a rich dickhead with a big mouth. But then he wins everyone over solely based on the fact that he is irresistibly disgusting. He ends up defying the odds and is elected president of the United States of America. It’s an American fairytale that is already in the making. And you all are in on it!
  9. He’s not Obama.

Enough said. You can take it from here.

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